"Universal Typewriter Shop"
Every morning that I leave S's house, I drive past this building.
Is it still open and catering to typewriters? No clue.
For months I've been meaning to take a photo,
The gifts I give/gave myself:
You know you're a boring responsible adult when you get excited about a new thermostat and the opportunity to go to an eye doctor.
Inside the room
where I held on to your clothes
while I stayed in bed all day
because it was the first time in weeks that life had slowed down enough
for me to feel something
The day after I saw you again.
I like the idea of being split in two.
one of me in the shadows
one of me in the light
together an uneven
what it's like to watch the news again
A new Japanese jacket that people will think is cool but might shame me for since I'm not Japanese.
For 52 weeks, I'll give you an unedited collection of what I have.
Cleaning out the trash can.
A daily bodily rejection. Dysphoria.
A collection of morning routine.
Wiping water from my eyes.
This is as intimate as it gets.
This is as vulnerable as it gets.
And I know you didn't ask for it.
I am reaching for others to give me something real.
But not everyone can do that.
Not everyone is willing to let their guard down.
I get it. That shit isn't easy. It takes time to peel the layers of who you have learned to be.
Until you're alone.
(Until I am alone.)
for me to be alone almost feels dangerous
but i know that it really isn't
I'll fill up on words and images and people who i have missed.
Who I have been is made up of two main building blocks:
1. A lover. A lover of lovers. And I don't mean "love" - I mean want, sex, yearning, using, giving without wanting, sharing my body but not myself, taking others' bodies without giving my self, leaving out truth, hiding behind walls, hiding behind others, disguises, sharing, sharing, sharing, but never really giving out anything worth real time, real value, a goof, a drug addict, a love addict, someone who welcomes death ("because if I die, then it was meant to be"). A selfish orb who takes and disregards anyone else's feelings- I have laughed off anyone else's feelings, like they didn't exist. But that's what I learned from T.
2. A mouse. A quiet, quiet mouse. A silent but deadly mouse. A silent ghost who has absorbed everything around me but remained silent. I never talked about what I felt, what I "wanted" (I've always felt guilty for wanting, so I always chose not to want). To speak was to expose too much, and I never wanted to expose too much- because someone might get the wrong idea. Someone might take advantage of me. Someone might..... whatever they might.... And if I felt like talking about something, don't. Stay silent, and get over it. That's what I learned from L.
Who I am now:
Just someone who isn't afraid of the Truth.
I just want to be transparent, and I don't want anyone to have to guess.
Fuck,, I don't want to guess.
Being honest is so fucking liberating.
You should try it.
Feeling fucking raw can be messy and/or dreamy.
and or and or
and or silent
If someone had given me a zine about the phases of life,
some of this is what I wish I would have been told:
You will transform multiple times throughout your life.
You are a reptile if any kind of animal. You will shed your skin over and over and over again.
Expect to exfoliate after every relationship
Expect the "newness" of being with yourself, and accept your solitude.
Love your solitude. When you are alone, you choose what you want so that later you have something to give.
"Take care of yourself first, so that you can take care of others later." (from my sister's boyfriend, Raul)
Remember who you are, who you were, and use those layers of you's to create a new one.
Expect to adjust to your surroundings.
Become aware of how your physical body interacts in the physical realm. In other words, be aware of your movements, and move with purpose.
Become aware of your voice and how your words will affect others. Imagine how your own words would affect you.
Learn to communicate in many languages- not just French or Spanish but verbally and non-verbally.
When you become so tired that you feel like you can't do anything else- when you want to give up- Do just ONE more thing. Push yourself just a little bit more.
All the cliches are true.
You are stronger than you can comprehend- until you're in a moment when you have to prove to yourself your strength.
You are not "pure"
Don't expect anyone else to be either.