Solitude. The first week.

For 52 weeks, I'll give you an unedited collection of what I have.

Week One:

Breakfast alone.
Cleaning out the trash can.
A daily bodily rejection. Dysphoria.
A collection of morning routine.
Wiping water from my eyes.
​And- night.

This is as intimate as it gets.
This is as vulnerable as it gets.

And I know you didn't ask for it.

I am reaching for others to give me something real.
But not everyone can do that.
Not everyone is willing to let their guard down.

I get it. That shit isn't easy. It takes time to peel the layers of who you have learned to be.
Until you're alone.
(Until I am alone.)

for me to be alone almost feels dangerous
but i know that it really isn't
I'll fill up on words and images and people who i have missed.

Who I have been is made up of two main building blocks:

1. A lover. A lover of lovers. And I don't mean "love" - I mean want, sex, yearning, using, giving without wanting, sharing my body but not myself, taking others' bodies without giving my self, leaving out truth, hiding behind walls, hiding behind others, disguises, sharing, sharing, sharing, but never really giving out anything worth real time, real value, a goof, a drug addict, a love addict, someone who welcomes death ("because if I die, then it was meant to be"). A selfish orb who takes and disregards anyone else's feelings- I have laughed off anyone else's feelings, like they didn't exist. But that's what I learned from T.


2. A mouse. A quiet, quiet mouse. A silent but deadly mouse. A silent ghost who has absorbed everything around me but remained silent. I never talked about what I felt, what I "wanted" (I've always felt guilty for wanting, so I always chose not to want). To speak was to expose too much, and I never wanted to expose too much- because someone might get the wrong idea. Someone might take advantage of me. Someone might..... whatever they might.... And if I felt like talking about something, don't. Stay silent, and get over it.  That's what I learned from L.


Who I am now:
Just someone who isn't afraid of the Truth.
I just want to be transparent, and I don't want anyone to have to guess.
Fuck,, I don't want to guess.

Being honest is so fucking liberating.
You should try it.

-M